Collapse.

I'm tired. In every conceivable way.

Four days of my rainbow.

It's crushing me. This pathetic distance between us - knowing that I love her so much, I cannot see her because the space that she belongs to is so far removed from mine that it becomes almost obscene to travel the distance. I remember the time when she lay her head in my lap, when I felt her breath on my thighs and already it seems that the dreaminess of the moment evades me knowingly. She dances around the edge of my consciousness, yet when I try to focus on the edges, she eludes me.

They bring fried rice.

I did not want to come back and brood here for a long time, but it seems that I cannot shy away from a habitation that is so dear to me.

I met S on the 25th. Returned with a heavy heart on the 29th. These four days have strictly been without compare. When I think about it, I usually liken it to this one image I have associated with our 'togetherness' - A blue, shifty ocean.Me adrift. Me finding a strong wooden plank that is weighed down with some flotsam. Me reaching out and grabbing it. Relieved. Finding out about the flotsam. And brushing it away. The plank becomes a woman. We do what it takes to keep us afloat.

The only way I think to keep afloat, is to jettison everything that will destroy the possibility of us being together. That, I think, is the only way.

The going-away.

It's been three years. Almost. I take my leave today, I hope I can come back. And find my little virtual space as hospitable as it once was.

Exeunt Ayan Ray.